Me and Ronan...

Yep, life is a rollercoaster. I haven't actually met him yet, but Mr. Keating apparently lives around the corner from where I park my gradually-inflating head most nights out here in Malahide. He's been there. He knows what it's like...

I refer to interviews. I did one on Saturday morning, but it only dawned on me as we were nearing the end of it that the whole thing was being recorded, not going out live - I believe it was actually on air on Sunday evening. They're getting more and more surreal. Obviously I'm new at this, right? I'm sure Ronan and Bono and all have it down pat, but I only twigged halfway through that the show I was being interviewed for an Arts programe. Why is this important? Because the questions were really hard! I was being asked about relationships and Japanese culture and literature. It's one thing to shite on in a pub about whatever stray thoughts assault your numb mind, but you feel like a bit of a chancer when you're being asked serious questions during an interview and you haven't given them much thought - ever! - up to that very moment.

"And what about dating in Japan? Because we have the idea here that it's a really traditional society. But how does that meld with the younger generation in the advent of the technological age, as regards dating and sex?"

And I'm trying to think of a good answer, but Colman and Kitty Barry Murphy flash across my mind and I don't know what to say that won't result in at least one of the three of us being sued. So I just mumble something about sex and religion in Ireland and the Japanese not having the same hangups as we do. Or did. Eh, y'know like?

Then I'm morto, cos I...

a) Think I've just used the word 'secularism', and I'm not at all sure I know what it means.
b) I've probably come across as some smartarse who thinks he has a clue, when anyone who knows me knows different.
c) I think I've managed to take a dig at Irish society and the church - and probably people from the country - but I can't remember now. And me trying to sell a book.

Keep in mind that five minutes into what I thought was the interview, she told me that she was going to start recording now. Hmm?? It really throws you when something like that happens! I thought I only had to watch for being caught out at the end of an interview. Now I have to worry about both ends!

Or how about...

"And do you feel that Irish men just settle for anything in a relationship when they reach a certain age, just to get to a stage where they've properly settled down?"

And I think they may well do, but I think women are worse culprits when it comes to that stuff (not, I stress, that these are the questions that I tend to ponder on anyway as I brush my teeth of an evening). So I tell her, well, no. Women are the ones who'll take any oul gobshite if the pickings are slim. And she says

"Not at all. Women are more romantic and will wait."

"Oh..kay..."

And this was before we were recording. Then she asks me the same thing again after we're recording and I can feel her giving me the hairy eyeball down the phone, like she's saying "Go on, I dare you". So I lie and say, yeah, blokes are pathetic, cos I don't want to upset her and anyway I have a bit of a hangover and I'm all disoriented with the hard questions.

So there you go. That interviews are harder than they look/sound is, I s'pose, my point. Of course, all the DJs I've spoken so far have been brilliant - relaxed and cool and utterly unphased by anything I've said. I guess it's like anything. Practice makes perfect. I wonder if Ronan's free to go over some set pieces with me this evening??

Oh, by the way, I think we've scored an interview on the telly for later in the month. More on that later.

Sla/n...